


the conversations we had aren't real anymore

by pentateen



Category: GOT7
Genre: !breakup, !past jjp, !past markjin, Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Sad, happy...end? idk, it's all past relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2018-05-26
Packaged: 2019-05-14 01:14:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,151
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pentateen/pseuds/pentateen
Summary: He once again asked himself if it was even right of him to cry, if he even had the right to be this sad, when he had been the one to end it.“Of course, you can cry, Jinyoung”, Jackson had said, his hand placed on Jinyoung’s shoulder, “crying means that it meant something to you. That this relationship meant something to you. If you didn’t cry, well, what would that say about your relationship?”___Or the one in which Jinyoung finally needs to face his demon.





	the conversations we had aren't real anymore

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there. So, I've been working on this for a while now. It's deeply personal, I gotta admit. But I just had to let these feelings out and... idk maybe I just like sharing my hurt with the world.  
> I have not read over it again after finishing, simply because I couldn't at this point, but if you come back at another time, it might be without any typos and shit. I'm sorry for those.
> 
> The texts are the standart form, I guess, but in my mind this was all written on WhatsApp even though that is not used in Korea (as far as I know? Correct me if I'm wrong lmao). Jinyoung is the italic/bold, Jaebeom the italic font.

_[April 22, 2018, 11:11 PM]: This isn’t right_

**_[April 22, 2018, 11:39 PM]: And what would be right?_ **

****

_[April 23, 2018, 7:27 AM]: nevermind_

It took him a while to stop staring at the messages. It took him a while even though his heart hurt in this strange way he couldn’t really describe. It took him a while because he still, somehow, found it difficult to understand what he was reading.

_[April 26, 2018, 10:13 AM] You still have my shampoo and my shirt_

_[April 26, 2018, 10:14 AM] please give that back as soon as possible_

**_[April 26, 2018, 10:15 AM] Yeah, as soon as I get to the city to send the package_ **

****

He never answered after that. His last message had been about wanting his stuff back. And that was it. Jinyoung put his phone down and closed his eyes, ready to, maybe, finally, get up and get out of this apartment, to go and see his friends, to stop crying as if this had not been his decision.

He once again asked himself if it was even right of him to cry, if he even had the right to be this sad, when he had been the one to end it.

“Of course, you can cry, Jinyoung”, Jackson had said, his hand placed on Jinyoung’s shoulder, “crying means that it meant something to you. That this relationship meant something to you. If you didn’t cry, well, what would that say about your relationship?”

And Jackson had been right, was still right, but Jinyoung found it so, so hard to understand that.

 

Someone had once said this horrible cliché phrase: if you love someone, you let them go. In Jinyoung’s head letting someone go when you love them was basically impossible. How could you love someone and not want to be with them? Wasn’t that, like, wrong? Because if you love someone isn’t the only thing you want that person? To be with that person, no matter what?

Yes, it took Jinyoung a long while to realize that there is more to a relationship than love. That there is more to a relationship than wanting to be with someone.

What eventually made him get it? He doesn’t know. Maybe the fact that he went off to another country for several months and just… felt so damn good not seeing him. Felt so good to be around new people and even old ones, when some of his friends came to visit him.

Maybe it was him feeling like himself for the first time in two years when he wasn’t around the person he called the love of his life.

Or maybe it was him feeling attracted to other people, to men and to women, to people who didn’t define as one of the two generally known genders. Yeah. Maybe that was it. Or maybe it wasn’t.

_[November 28 th, 2016, 10:10am] I love you_

 

**_[November 28 th, 2016, 10:11am] I love you too_ **

****

It had been Jaebeom who had said ‘I love you’ first. It had been over the phone, he and Jinyoung weren’t even really dating at this point. He had said it with a tone in his voice, a tone Jinyoung just couldn’t find words to describe, but the determination in it… there was no chance in hell Jinyoung wouldn’t believe him.

And, so he did. Jinyoung believed Jaebeom when he had told him he loved him.

Jinyoung was pretty sure the date had been March 5th, 2016. Over two years ago.

“When you tell someone you love them, you have to think about the consequences. Because, maybe, they don’t love you back, just yet. Maybe they are on their way to do so, but just not quite there yet”, Jackson and Jinyoung had laid on the roof of Jackson’s apartment complex, sharing a joint. Jinyoung was quiet and just took a drag, not sure what to reply.

When Jaebeom had said he loved him, he couldn’t say it back. Not because he didn’t love Jaebeom, more because he had never said those words and truly meant them. Until now they had always been empty, had always come too soon. So, he had just smiled through the phone and told Jaebeom that he needed time to say it back, but that he would, he promised, he would.

They were together only a few weeks later. And Jinyoung told him he loved him every day. And he meant it.

 

**_[February 25 th, 2016, 1:24 AM] I’m so sorry_ **

**_[February 25 th, 2016, 1:25 AM] I wish I could help you, somehow_ **

 

_[February 25 th, 2016, 1:25 AM] And all I want to say to you right now is that, well, thank you for being alive._

_[February 25 th, 2016, 1:25 AM] You do help me._

_[February 25 th, 2016, 1:25 AM] simply, by existing_

“Choosing to be with someone who is as scarred as him, that- wow. You are a great person, Jinyoung hyung”, Youngjae looked at Jinyoung in awe, fork repeatedly hitting the plate with chicken on it.

“It doesn’t matter how ‘scarred’ he is, Youngjae-ah”, Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows, “what matters is how much you don’t give a fuck about what other people say.”

 

He had got up to leave after that. Throwing money on the table, before leaving Youngjae behind.

Why was everyone so impressed by him for loving Jaebeom? For being his boyfriend, for being _with_ him? It got on his nerves, this behavior, people telling him he was “brave” and “such a good person”.

Yeah, it might have been true, Jaebeom was a handful. He was moody and never showed how he truly felt. He was rude to other people if they weren’t his friends. There was no such thing as a filter in Jaebeom’s way of speaking. He was just… so different from everything Jinyoung would have ever thought he could love. But at the same time, he was exactly what Jinyoung needed.

He would always listen to Jinyoung, he would hold him whenever Jinyoung needed him to, not asking any irrelevant questions. Yes, Jaebeom was, in so many ways, the perfect man for Jinyoung.

Too bad “perfect”, sometimes, is not what you need.

 

**_[May 19 th, 2017, 1:35 PM] I’m really sorry_ **

_[May 19 th, 2017, 1:37 PM] I don’t care_

_[May 19 th, 2017, 1:38 PM] Like really_

_[May 19 th, 2017, 1:38 PM] Apologies don’t change a fucking thing_

The first time Jinyoung had broken up with Jaebeom, it had been because _something_ had happened. Well, maybe not something, but some _one_.

Mark was the roommate of Jinyoung’s best friend Jackson. Jinyoung had met Mark in October of 2016, at a time when Jinyoung was still happy with Jaebeom, at a time where thinking of another man seemed impossible to Jinyoung. No, he would have never dared to look at someone twice. That’s what happiness does to you. It makes you forget that you once looked around, that you would check out people, from time to time.

So, Jinyoung had known Mark for eight months when he, for the first time, let those feelings through. They had been sleeping inside of him for a while now, just waiting to be set free.

It was that day in May that changed everything for Jinyoung.

 

“If I wasn’t with Jaebeom, do you... do you think something could happen between us?”, Jinyoung’s heart was beating like crazy, his eyes were staring a hole into his jeans.

“Yeah”, Mark’s response made the younger blink in surprise.

“What’s your favorite car brand?”

And just like that Mark had started a storm inside of Jinyoung. A storm the older didn’t notice because he was oblivious like that, a storm he couldn’t stop anymore because he had said one word. He kept playing the game they had been playing for the past few hours and left Jinyoung speechless.

 

“You- You’re not wondering why I asked that question, earlier?” The clock was almost striking 7 am, Mark and Jinyoung were still seated in Mark and Jackson’s living room. Mark turned his head to Jinyoung and shrugged.

“I guess. But I didn’t wanna pressure you into getting more into it, if you weren’t ready”, that was one thing Jinyoung liked so much about the American boy. He would always care about others more than about himself. A trait Jaebeom was the most distant from.

“Well, I- Thank you, Mark hyung”, Jinyoung gulped down whatever had decided to be stuck in his throat now and licked his lips, “I, I like you. That’s why I asked. I like you a whole damn lot and I know it’s not okay, because I am with Jaebeom, but… but I just can’t help it anymore. I just can’t.”

And Mark had smiled and nodded.

“I like you too, Jinyoung.”

 

Jinyoung called Jaebeom the next day and asked for a break.

A few days after that he sexted with Mark for the first time.

And a few days after that, Jinyoung broke up with Jaebeom to finally be with Mark.

I don’t think it needs to be pointed out that all of this went down in flames.

 

 

_[May 23 rd, 2017, 11:27 PM] I’m sorry about everything_

_[May 23 rd, 2017, 11:27 PM] I could have done more_

_[May 23 rd, 2017, 11:27 PM] I could have tried harder to work on myself_

_[May 23 rd, 2017, 11:27 PM] It’s just so hard for me to do so_

_[May 23 rd, 2017, 11:27 PM] I don’t know why but I just can’t get it done_

 

Jinyoung fell in love with Mark, but he never knew if Mark loved him back. He just knew that he loved the way Mark looked at him and that he couldn’t spend a day without him.

That’s probably what went wrong. That and so much more.

One reason it all came crashing down on them was Jaebeom. Because he suddenly realized that he had fucked up, because he suddenly felt _bad_ about how he had treated Jinyoung.

Suddenly, he said all those things Jinyoung had wanted to hear for so long, making his heart shoot up in the sky. Making him miss his former love so damn much.

 

“Maybe we should take a step back”, Jinyoung was sitting on Mark’s desk chair as the older laid on his bed.

“What do you mean?”, Mark looked up from his phone, eyebrows raised.

“Well, us. I mean us. I think we took all of this too far too soon, don’t you think so, too?”, Jinyoung’s heart was racing. Mark thought about this for a while, before he nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. We should take a step back.”

 

They had one last kiss goodbye before Jinyoung went off to break Mark’s heart without ever knowing he did so.

 

_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] Do you want to tell me why you broke up?_

_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] Or is that gonna stay a secret?_

 

**_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] Well_ **

**_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] because it all went too fast_ **

**_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] he said so as well_ **

_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:06 PM] I think so too_

 

 

That it was him, Jinyoung didn’t say then. But it came out anyways.

And Jaebeom didn’t need to read about it. He knew it anyways.

 

_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:23 PM] Jinyoung?_

**_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:23 PM] Yes?_ **

_[June 7 th, 2017, 1:23 PM] Do you want to go out with me?_

 

 

Jinyoung is sitting at the kitchen table in the apartment he shares with Wonpil.

He goes through this chat and he sips on his wine.

He wonders if he made the right decision, once again.

And he thinks about Mark and Jaehyung who are so happy together.

 

Jaebeom is still there, somewhere in his head and his heart, he knows that. He knows that getting over him will be fucking hard work. That he will need his friends and that he will need himself. He can’t give in again, not again. Not after all the sorrow, all the hurt.

Because feeling as if you’re not important is worse than hearing you’re not important. Because one of the two leaves you questioning yourself for days, leaves you scared and in panic.

Jinyoung hates this feeling so fucking much. No Jackson is close to help him through this. No Wonpil is here to try to talk him out of it. Jinyoung is alone, so alone in his thoughts and he can’t do anything, can’t go out because the only friends he has are at the place where his ex is so god damn happy with his new boyfriend.

He can’t go chat online because he will see Jaebeom’s name there somewhere. And yeah, he is looking at their chat and is constantly seeing Jaebeom’s name at the top of that damn chat and- and he is so fucking tired.

 

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] You know how much it sucks not to be enough for someone_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] especially you_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] You hurt me_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] I feel fucked with_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] My whole self and more isn’t enough for you??!_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] After all this time_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] After all the sorrow_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] After all the happiness_

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] I don’t understand this_

**_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] Me neither_ **

**_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] I wish I could understand it_ **

****

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] And I don’t need to understand it to get over it_

**_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] But I don’t understand_ **

**_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] It’s fucked up and I know that_ **

****

_[September 23 rd, 2017, 11:51 PM] congratulations _

His whole self and more wasn’t enough? Is that what Jaebeom had really thought?

After their second break up, Jinyoung was sure this was the end.

But they had found their way back and they had stayed together for another six months before it was over once again.

 

And now Jinyoung is sitting at this table at which he used to share meals with Jaebeom. And he is reading through these messages and doesn’t understand why he can’t just let it go. Why he can’t let Jaebeom go.

It has only been a little over a month that they had last spoken. And yet, it feels like years. So far away.

He is thankful that Jaebeom had moved to Busan for work and he is thankful he didn’t have to see him every day.

“It was enough. It was enough, just not for me, not for me”, he cries as he reads the message from September 23rd again, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand.

“I’m so sorry. So fucking sorry”, and he sobs again, squeezing his eyes shut, making more tears drop down on the table.

The pain in his chest is unbearable at this point and there is nothing he wants more than to throw the phone across the room, to scream the pain out into the world.

But he knows if he screams the neighbours will knock again and complain about the noise. He knows if he throws his phone across the room it would break, and he could never read those messages again.

This is when Jinyoung opens his eyes again. This is when Jinyoung realizes something he was so sure had been in his head for the past few weeks.

His vision gets blurry again, as more tears form in his eyes. He finally gets it.

“I never deleted them. Never once”, he whispers to himself, as he keeps looking at his phone screen.

It is May 26th of 2018 and Jaebeom had just been online a second ago.

Jinyoung sobs again. He looks at Jaebeoms name, the heart behind it gotten rid of many weeks ago.

“If I delete it, I won’t be able to look at them again”, he doesn’t know why he says it out loud. Maybe because it makes it more real. He sees that Jaebeom is online now.

“If I delete it, I might be able to heal”, and he feels so stupid because its just a fucking chat, but at the same time it is so much more. It’s their whole history, it’s their beginning, their first message on December 22nd, 2015. That first hi and that first hello. The first message Jaebeom had received from the person he had bought the phone for.

It’s their personalities as one, their love in a chatroom, their fights in one spot.

It’s so much more for Jinyoung. So much more than it is for Jaebeom who, for sure, has already deleted this chat weeks ago.

 

Jinyoung remembers Jaebeom’s smile once again. He remembers the marks underneath his eyebrow. He remembers what his lips tasted like and how his hand felt holding Jinyoung’s. He remembers their first “I love you” and their first break up. He remembers every sweet word and every bad one.

Yes, Jinyoung remembers all of that and decides that that is all he needs. That the memories won’t fade just like that. Not now. Not until he is ready.

But that he doesn’t need to hold onto this what always brings him back to feeling the way he does right now. He doesn’t need this chat to remember.

“The conversations we had aren’t real anymore”, he says to himself and knows that it’s true. They aren’t real anymore, but they used to be. So real. Jinyoung loved Jaebeom with everything he had. With every breath. Every heartbeat. With every single day that went by, he loved Jaebeom a little bit more. He would have done everything for the other boy, no matter what.

There was no doubt that Jinyoung had loved Jaebeom and would still love him for as long as he could.

Because that’s what first loves, and first heartbreaks do to you. And that’s okay. It’s okay to feel.

 

Jinyoung’s hand is shaking as he types one last message.

And Jinyoung’s hand is shaking as he swipes to the right on the chat, presses his finger to the three dots and sees the last option “Delete Chat”.

It takes him a few seconds.

But then he is free.

Or whatever you want to call it.

 

 

 **_[May 26 th, 2018, 3:42 PM] I’ll never forget you  
_ ** **message failed to deliver**


End file.
